Give and Brake: The Two Sides to Loving Well

by Kristen Hogrefe Parnell

Remember learning to drive? The experience may have left your parents gripping the seat from the constant jolting. Too much gas. Too hard on the brake.

No one drives like a veteran on day one, nor would we expect him to. However, we often give less grace in our relationships, or rather, we forget that unlike learning to drive a car, learning to love well takes a lifetime.

In I Corinthians 13, the Apostle Paul describes what love is and what it isn’t. The positive attributes require intentional giving, while the negative traits demand restraint.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8a NKJV)

To truly purpose the good of another person, we must practice both sides of love.

Be the Right Person

One of my college Sunday school teachers told his class of singles something I will never forget. “Instead of trying to find the right person, be the right person.”

Being the right person involves proactive choices, and Paul’s admonition includes several intentional actions we must embrace if we are to love well. It’s easy to skim this list and mumble, “Sure, of course,” but take your time and ask some reflection questions.

Love (giving actions):

• suffers long (Am I patient with his faults?)
• is kind (Do I use a gentle tone when she forgets?)
• rejoices in the truth (Do I encourage the truth even at my expense?)
• bears all things (Do I respond lovingly even when life is hard?)
• believes all things (Do I take God at His Word and trust my relationship to Him?)
• hopes all things (Do I look for the best in him?)
• endures all things (Do I love her even when she isn’t lovable?)

When life is smooth sailing, we find these actions much easier. When our plans fall apart and stress levels rise, we struggle. In fact, we may put conditions on love. “I’ll be kind when he starts being nice,” or “I’ll be patient when she stops spending all our money.”

The truth is that Paul doesn’t include even one conditional statement. The only way we can model this authentic love is to follow Jesus’s example. As Scripture says, “We love Him because He first loved us” (I John 4:19 NKJV). Because God took the first step to love us, we can follow His lead and give selflessly in our relationships.

Die to Self

Sometimes even more difficult than giving is the self-control we must exercise in our relationships. Although I’m newly married, I already see how seeking my husband’s interests above mine requires an active choice. After all, doing what’s best for “me” comes naturally!

Dying to self-interest is but one part of love’s restraint. In the same passage in Corinthians, Paul paints a full contrast of what love is not.

Love (restraining actions):

• does not envy  (Do I compare my relationship with someone else’s?)
• does not parade itself  (Do I brag about myself or boast in my achievements?)
• is not puffed up  (Does pride instead of humility govern my actions?)
• does not behave rudely  (Am I harsh with my spouse?)
• does not seek its own   (Do I put his interests above my own?)
• is not provoked, thinks no evil  (Do I let little things steal my joy or dwell on “what ifs” that aren’t necessarily true?)
• does not rejoice in iniquity  (Do I keep a record of her mistakes or forgive them?)
• never fails  (Am I willing to ask forgiveness and continue, or do I quit when things get hard?)

Often, the people we love the most know our triggers, and we know theirs. The temptation may be to push their buttons when they’ve annoyed us, but that’s not love. Love puts the brakes on any behavior that wounds.

A Worthwhile Pursuit

Because our world is broken by sin, our practice of loving others will be imperfect. However, our fallen state doesn’t discount the very worthwhile pursuit.

God has given us people to love: spouses, parents, children, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and more. We never graduate from the responsibility of loving others, and unlike driving, we don’t have just one test to pass. Life presents daily challenges that try our ability to love as Scripture commands.

Sometimes love doesn’t come easy, and while we may be tempted to point fingers, God doesn’t hold us accountable for the other person’s actions, only our own.

That’s why we must learn to give and brake.

Prayer:

Dear Father, please forgive me for the times I’ve failed to love well. Teach me how to give generously in my relationships and know when to press pause on any unkind actions or words. Thank You for being the ultimate model of sacrificial love and enabling me to follow Your example. Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. Do I focus more on my responsibility to love or on the other person’s treatment of me?

2. What attitude will I choose today regarding my relationships?

3. What is one way I can intentionally love the people God has placed in my life?

*This post is an excerpt from For Love’s Sake: The Life-Changing Facets of Love in 30 Bible Studies, Devotions, and Christian Living Articles (Buford, Georgia: Lighthouse Bible Studies, 2022), 11-14.

Kristen Hogrefe Parnell writes suspenseful fiction from a faith perspective for teens and adults. She dislikes surprises, unless God provides them, as He did her husband in her thirties. Her young adult novels, The Revisionary and The Reactionary, won the Selah Award for speculative fiction, and her first romantic suspense novel released in December 2022. Join her at KristenHogrefeParnell.com.